


trying to forget everything that isn't you

by timelording



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F, Sweet sweet kevin is not as stupid in this fic as he is in the movie, This is an AU, but its a 50 first dates au, for plot purposes, im not saying its a 50 first dates au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-08-07
Packaged: 2018-07-29 20:43:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7698754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timelording/pseuds/timelording
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erin Gilbert considered herself a woman of routine. Not that she was uptight. Or stiff. Or anything of that nature. She just liked when things fell into their designated, neat boxes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	trying to forget everything that isn't you

    Erin Gilbert considered herself a woman of routine. Not that she was uptight. Or stiff. Or anything of that nature. She just liked when things fell into their designated, neat boxes.

    Today was no exception.

    Erin woke to her alarm going off at precisely six-fifteen a.m., and made her way thoroughly through her usual morning routine, mentally checking each activity off as she did them.

    Teeth brushed? Check.

    Shower? Check.

    Meticulously blown dry hair? Check.

    Got dressed?  Check. (Her outfits tended to vary between tweed blazers and matching tweed skirts, to sweaters in shades of pink and yellow with slacks.)

    Knocked on Patty’s door to wake her up for work? Usually required a double check.

    Got today’s paper? Check.

    Satisfied that she had successfully completed her routine, Erin grabbed her shoulder bag from the chair it rested on, called out a goodbye to a bleary eyed Patty, and made her way out of their apartment building at promptly seven a.m.

    There was a coffee shop that Erin frequented every morning that was just a few blocks down from her apartment, and that was where she was headed now. The barista there had her order memorized- not to mention he was _serious_ eye candy, which Erin always appreciated before work.

    “Hey, Erin!” he called out as she opened the door to the café, a tiny bell tinkling lightly as she did so, almost drowned out in the dull bustling of the café’s other customers.

    “Good morning, Kevin!” she said as she made her way to the counter, waving the newspaper she had previously had tucked under her arm.

    “The usual?” he asked.

    “As always,” Erin said with an awkward giggle- Kevin always had her flustered. He was just so _attractive,_ but unfortunately not the smartest tool in the shed. _What a shame_ , Erin thought. She reached into her bag for her wallet, but Kevin stopped her.

    “Don’t worry about it,” he said. “It’s on the house.” He smiled warmly at her.

    “Well, thank you, Kevin,” Erin said, and she turned to find a table to sit at. She found a table and Kevin dropped her coffee off moments later. She thanked him with a smile and took a sip of her coffee as she opened the paper.

    Get coffee and read the paper? Check.

    As she sat and read the paper with her coffee, the café began to fill, unbeknownst to Erin, which was why the voice in front of her took her by surprise.

    “Mind if I sit here?”

    Erin started and looked up from her paper to the woman standing in front of her, taking her in from bottom to top. She was in heavy black Doc Martens, and her black and white striped socks were peeking out over the tops, just underneath the rolled up cuffs of her grey, paint splattered overalls, accented by an olive green crop top underneath, and a black leather jacket on top. She wore perfectly circular yellow tinted glasses and a wide grin, and her curly blonde fringe flopped over her face. She had a large silver duffel bag on her shoulder and a coffee cup in her hand, and somehow, Erin was momentarily dazzled.

    When Erin didn’t respond after a moment, she spoke again. “I wouldn’t ask but there’s not a single table available,” she said, and Erin looked around. There was indeed not a single table with an open seat.

    “Yes, of course, please,” Erin said, gesturing to the seat opposite her.

    “Much obliged,” the woman said, and sat down with a huff, stowing her duffel bag under her chair. She took a sip of her coffee and spoke again. “Come here often?” she said, and winked at Erin, who promptly choked on her own coffee.

    “I’m sorry?” she sputtered out, her cheeks flaring red. The woman laughed.

    “Jillian Holtzmann,” she said in lieu of an answer, introducing herself with a handshake across the table. “But you can just call me Holtzmann. I’m new to the neighborhood, I was wondering if this coffee is good enough to make a regular thing.”

    “Oh!” Erin said, visibly relaxing as she gently shook her hand. “I’m here every morning before work, I love it here.”

    “Nice,” Holtzmann said with a smile. “I told you my name, care to share?” She took a sip of her coffee and looked at Erin with an expectantly raised eyebrow.

    “Oh, um, I’m Erin, with an E,” she responded.

    “Alright, Erin with an E,” Holtzmann said. Erin was pretty sure her grin was a permanent fixture. “You said you come here before work. What do you do?” She rested her chin in her hand, elbow on the table.

    “I’m a, uh, professor of particle physics at Columbia University,” she answered, and noticed Holtzmann’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise and what she hoped was approval. “I’m not tenured there yet though, so I share a lab and office with my best friend Abby, just a few blocks away from here. I’m actually giving a lecture tomorrow that will be under review for my tenure,” she explained.

    “Well,” Holtzmann said, a glint in her eyes. “Sexy _and_ smart, who’d have guessed it.”

    Erin flushed red again and nervously tried to deflect the attention. “What about you? What do you do?”

    “I’ve got a Ph.D. in nuclear engineering, but I specialize in experimental particle physics,” she said with a dismissive wave of her hand. If Erin had been a woman of lesser self-control, her jaw would have dropped. “I almost got into CERN.”

    _That’s the European Organization for Nuclear Research_ , Erin recalled.

    “CERN?” Erin gasped. “That’s… incredibly impressive.” Then something registered. “Almost? What happened?”

    Holtzmann sort of grimaced, but there was still a mischievous glint in her eyes. “There was an… incident in the lab,” she said. “They say he’ll wake up eventually.” She shrugged.

    Erin didn’t know what to say to that, so she just pressed her lips together in a thin, awkward smile. Holtzmann only answered with a wide grin.

    “You’re giving a lecture tomorrow? On what, might I ask?”

    Erin hesitated, but then realized that she was talking to someone who would _actually_ understand what she was talking about, for once, and she answered enthusiastically.

    “It’s on general relativity and quantum theory. I’ve done a few of my own calculations, and based on the results it seems that we should soon be able to combine the two of them into a brand new field of science we have yet to explore.” She went on to explain a few more of her theories; all the while Holtzmann listened attentively, even asking a few of her own questions.

    Erin was so caught up in the conversation that she lost track of time, only realizing that she was running late when she checked her watch during a lull in their banter.

    “Damn, I’m late!” she exclaimed, jumping out of her chair and nearly spilling her coffee all over herself. “I really have to jet, I’m sorry, Holtzmann.”

    The other woman just smiled at her. “Onward, Dr. Gilbert, you can’t keep science waiting. Will I see you tomorrow morning?”

    Erin’s heart did a flip. “Yes, of course,” she said with a smile, and then hurried out of the café with an apologetic glance over her shoulder. She speed walked the few blocks to her office building, and breezed into the office just a bit after nine a.m.

    “Good morning, Abby, I’m so sorry I’m late!” she called out as she hung her blazer on the hook on the wall and deposited her briefcase in the desk. “I got caught up at the coffee shop, I met this lovely woman there, she has a Ph.D. in nuclear engineering, isn’t that amazing? She-” Erin turned around and cut herself short. Abby was standing behind her, a concerned look on her face. “Are you okay?”

    “I was worried about you!” Abby answered. “You’re never late, I thought something was wrong. And since you refuse to carry a phone…” Abby trailed off.

    Erin felt a pang of guilt. “I’m sorry, Abs.”

    Abby let out a breath and smiled. “It’s alright, you’re here now. So what were you saying about this woman with a degree in engineering?”

    Erin got settled into her desk as she excitedly told Abby about Holtzmann.

    “I just can’t believe I had an _educated_ conversation about particle physics with a complete stranger!” Erin finished excitedly, scribbling a few more sentences into her lecture notes absent mindedly. “I’m seeing her again tomorrow morning,” she said with a smile.

    Abby looked at her with a smile that almost seemed sad, but Erin couldn’t understand why. “That’s great, Erin,” she said sincerely, before the two of them fell into companionable silence to their work.

    They took a break about halfway through the day to order in lunch, and finally, at about six twenty p.m., Erin decided there were no longer any notes she could make- she was as prepared as she could be for her lecture the next day. She gathered her briefcase and slipped her jacket on, leaving her lecture notes on her desk to pick up the next morning. She called out a goodbye to Abby, who always tended to work later than her, and closed the office door behind herself.

    She didn’t see Abby wait until she could see Erin on the street below the office window, and then shred Erin’s lecture notes.

* * *

 

    Erin had not only a morning routine, but an evening one as well.

    Fixed dinner? Check.

    Said hello to Patty as the other woman got home from work? Check.

    Joined her in watching the evening news? Check.

    Got dressed and ready for bed? Check.

    Patty had her own evening routine, but it was one that Erin was never privy to, as it only ever began after Erin went to bed at promptly ten p.m.

    It began with rewinding the tape of the evening news from February sixteenth, 2015, the tape she and Erin watched together each night.

    The next thing on Patty’s checklist was refilling Erin’s shampoo bottle to the level it had been at before that morning, followed by pulling a newspaper from the stack of hundreds in her closet (all dated February sixteenth, 2015), and putting it under the mail slot in their door.

    The last thing on Patty’s checklist was washing and drying the clothes Erin had worn that day that she had dropped into the hamper in the bathroom. It was a meticulous routine that Abby had helped her conceive, and she wasn’t able to sleep until it was completed.

* * *

 

    Erin Gilbert considered herself a woman of routine. Not that she was uptight. Or stiff. Or anything of that nature. She just liked when things fell into their designated, neat boxes.

    Today was no exception.

* * *

 

Jillian Holtzmann was a woman of (barely) controlled chaos. She was pretty sure she didn’t even know how to _make_ a checklist, let alone follow one. She could tell that Erin (“Erin with an E”) was the exact opposite of that. And it inexplicably, magnetically drew Holtzmann to her.

As Holtzmann walked into the considerably less crowded coffee shop the next morning, she spotted Erin at the same table they had sat the previous day. She grinned and jauntily made her way over. The brunette was engrossed in the newspaper on the table in front of her, occasionally taking a sip of her coffee.

“Hey there, professor,” Holtzmann said as she plopped herself down into the seat across from Erin. “You carry a lot of tension in your shoulders, did you know that?”

Erin just looked at her in confusion and slight fear. “I’m sorry, have we met?” she asked, leaning as far back in her chair as she could.

Holtzmann felt a quick pang of hurt shoot through her chest, but she dismissed it, playing it off with a grin and a low chuckle.

“We met here yesterday?” Holtzmann said, phrasing it as a question. The blank look on Erin’s face remained unchanged. “Damn, I thought I’d be a little more memorable.”

Erin shook her head in confusion. “I’m sorry, but I’ve never seen you before in my life,” she said, her tone apologetic with an undercurrent of fearful confusion.

Holtzmann was starting to feel a bit of her own confusion, She had shared an in depth, intellectual conversation with this woman the day before, so unless she was being harshly blown off (which she highly doubted), something very strange was going on. Holtzmann furrowed her brow, “I’m Holtzmann, we talked yesterday about how you have your big lecture today,” she said, but the confusion on Erin’s face only grew.

“What are you talking about? My lecture is tomorrow.” She paused. “How do you know about my lecture at all? Who are you?” Her voice grew increasingly more panicked as she spoke, and before she even knew it, Holtzmann was yanked out of her chair by the barista and dragged outside.

“Hey!” she yelled indignantly, shaking his hand off her arm.

“You need to leave her alone,” Kevin said, his Australian accent pronounced in his anger.

Holtzmann only responded with her own anger, not taking too kindly to being jerked about. “What the fuck is going on? What’s her deal?” she gestured at Erin, who was staring at the two of them through the window.

“She has short term memory loss,” Kevin said, and all of the anger _whooshed_ out of Holtzmann in a heavy exhaled breath.

“What?” she asked.

“There was an accident, a little over a year ago, and now her brain wipes itself clean every night,” he answered. “She doesn’t remember you at all because her brain erased you completely.”

Holtzmann looked over at Erin through the window again. Erin was doing her best to not stare at the two of them, but Holtzmann could tell.

“So she doesn’t remember me at all?” Holtzmann asked.

Kevin sighed. “The last day she remembers is February fifteenth, 2015. The accident happened on the sixteenth, and she has no memory of it.”

“So her lecture?”

“It’ll never happen.”

Holtzmann wasn’t sure how to process the information. Kevin interrupted her train of thought.

“You need to stay away from her,” he said.

“What? Why?”

“She has a set routine. All her friends work hard to keep her on that routine, because without it, she does not do well.” He paused. “You coming into her life is only going to upset her.”

That was the moment that Holtzmann determined that she wasn’t going to stay away. There was just something about her, something about Erin (with an E) that she just couldn’t stay away from.

“Alright man, alright. I’ll leave her alone.” She walked away, already forming a plan.

* * *

 

Holtzmann was back at the coffee shop the next morning. Kevin gave her a dirty glare as she walked up to the counter.

“Listen,” she said, before he could speak. “I just want to talk to her. Now that I know what’s going on, I won’t upset her.” He just narrowed his eyes. “How about this: I bet you twenty bucks I can get her to let me sit with her.”

After a moment’s silence, Kevin agreed with a nod. Holtzmann grinned. “Alright,” she said, drawing out the vowels.

“Excuse me?” she said as she approached Erin’s table. The brunette looked up at her.

“Yes? Can I help you?” Erin asked.

Holtzmann just flashed her most winning smile. “It’s just, I saw you when I walked in, and I couldn’t stop staring, so I wondered if maybe I could sit down?”

Erin’s neutral expression didn’t change. “I’m actually running late to work, I’m sorry. Maybe another time.” And with that she packed up her things and left.

Holtzmann turned to Kevin’s laughter and thumbs up with an angry scowl.

“Double or nothing tomorrow, beefcake!”

* * *

 

Holtzmann came in the next morning twice as determined. She marched right over to Erin’s table.

“Hi there,” she said with a wink. She held out a small, almost childish drawing done on a napkin. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but you look like someone who appreciates fine arts.”

Erin looked up and said, in perfect French, “Je suis desole, je ne parle anglais.” She smiled apologetically at Holtzmann.

Holtzmann just nodded and turned to walk away, muttering, “Of course, you don’t speak English, right,” with a scowl.

“Sixty tomorrow!” Kevin shouted to her retreating back as she left the coffee shop.

* * *

 

    For the third day in a row, Holtzmann approached Erin’s table. If this attempt didn’t work, she didn’t know what would- Holtzmann was pulling out all the big guns here.

    “Hi,” she said, and waited for Erin to look up at her, before grinning bashfully. “You know, according to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me,” she said, and delighted in Erin’s face instantly flushing red.

    “Did you just…use a science pick up line on me?” Erin said, giggling nervously.

    Holtzmann nodded. “You looked like you’d appreciate it,” she said. “Can I join you here?”

    Erin just gestured at the seat opposite her, an almost silly grin on her face.

    “I’m Jillian, but you can just call me Holtzmann, everyone does.” She introduced herself with a wink that was equal parts for Erin as well as a pouting Kevin behind the counter, and pulled the chair out to sit.

    “I’m Erin, with an E.”

    “It’s wonderful to meet you, Erin with an E.”

* * *

 

    “This is an incredibly brilliant pick up line,” Holtzmann said, standing in front of Erin’s table the next morning.

    Erin looked at her in confusion for moment before catching on.

    “Well, this is an encouraging response.”

    Holtzmann smiled a wide grin. “And this is a hilarious comeback.”

    Erin returned the smile, more sheepishly on her end. “Flattered acknowledgement,” she said playfully.

    Holtzmann could barely contain herself; she was almost bouncing on the balls of her feet. “Uncontrollable enthusiasm,” she replied, the enthusiasm visible.

    Erin actually laughed this time as she said, “Invitation to sit down.”

* * *

 

    Holtzmann had been talking to Erin daily for over two weeks when The Incident happened.  In retrospect, Holtzmann should have seen something like this coming; Kevin had warned her that an imbalance in her schedule would eventually upset her.

    It was such a small thing, Holtzmann was lucky to have even been there to see it happen.

    She walked into the café to see Erin lean over to the table next to hers and ask the man sitting there to borrow that day’s newspaper; apparently she had forgotten hers at home. Holtzmann’s heart dropped as she watched the man eagerly hand her the newspaper he was finished with. She was frozen in horror and could only watch as Erin read the date on newspaper. She shouldn’t have been able to hear the distressed noise Erin made in the bustle of the café, but somehow she did, and she made horrified eye contact with Kevin over the counter.

    “I’m sorry, sir, where did you get this newspaper?” Erin asked, a bewildered look on her face.

    “What?” he could only ask. Holtzmann finally unfroze and made a beeline for Erin, Kevin following suit.

    Erin laughed nervously. “This paper, it’s dated July fifteenth, 2016, but it’s only February of 2015. Is this some kind of joke?” The man just got up from his table.

    “You’re crazy, lady. What did you do, time travel?” he scoffed as he left the café. As Holtzmann reached the table, she recognized the realization on Erin’s face that something was wrong. Kevin spoke up before she could.

    “Hey, Erin, are you alright?” he tried to sound genial, but it didn’t break through to Erin.

    Erin had started to frantically flip through the newspaper. “What the hell,” she muttered to herself, and Kevin and Holtzmann could only watch helplessly as she stood and grabbed another newspaper out of a nearby woman’s hand, the woman giving a disgruntled exclamation as she did so. She looked up at Kevin and Holtzmann as she confirmed that the date she thought it was, was not the actual date.

    “What the hell is going on, Kevin?”

    “Uh- well-” Kevin started, but he seemed at a loss for words. Erin started to hyperventilate.

    “I need to get to Abby,” she choked out, and ran out of the coffee shop, leaving her things behind. Holtzmann’s first instinct was to run after her; she couldn’t let her on her own, not in her current state.

    “I’m calling Abby!” She heard Kevin yell as the door banged shut behind her. She searched through the quickly growing crowd on the sidewalk, finally catching sight of the quickly retreating tweed, Erin’s brown hair bouncing on her shoulders as she ran. Holtzmann quickly took off after her.

    The run through the few blocks east was nothing Holtzmann couldn’t handle, but she only just barely managed to catch the last glimpse of Erin as she disappeared into one of the buildings. (How did the woman run so quickly in those ridiculous heels she wore?) She quickly ducked into the doorway behind Erin, making sure to follow at a far enough distance to not upset her any more than was needed. As she approached the door to Erin and Abby’s shared office, she could hear Erin’s voice through the door, and she pushed it open just enough to allow her to see into the room.

    “Abby! What is going on?”

    “Erin, just please, calm down, so I can explain-” Abby reached out to a pacing Erin, who had an almost crazed look in her eyes, and Holtzmann was pretty positive that she could see the telltale signs of tears shed.

    “No, Abby, I can’t calm down, tell what is happening, right now!”

    Holtzmann pushed the door open further and officially stepped into the room. She half reached out one of her hands, and Erin, who had turned at the creaking hinges of the door, locked eyes with her. “Who are you? What are you doing here?”

    Holtzmann kept her voice low and gentle as she answered. “Erin, just take a deep breath, please.” Erin drew in a sudden intake of breath, as if she was going to respond but then, she held it for a moment, and released it slowly, looking surprised at herself for even listening. Abby took this opportunity to jump in. She put her hand gently on Erin’s bicep, leading her over to the nearest stool to sit on.

    “Listen, Erin…”

    “Abby, please,” Erin pleaded, her voice breaking, tears welling up. Holtzmann felt a wrenching in her chest as Abby began to explain the accident that caused Erin’s memory loss, and what she, Patty and Kevin did for her every day. The tears began to stream down Erin’s face, and Holtzmann stood awkwardly in the door frame. After Abby finished, there was a moment of silence. Then Erin spoke up, her voice weak, and her hands shaking as she clutched her knees.

    “I want to see the doctor.”

    Abby sighed. “You ask that every time,” she said, and Erin’s face flashed with a moment of horror.

    “How many times has this happened, Abby?” she whispered.

    “Um,” Abby said, and Holtzmann could tell she was floundering for words. “Quite a few times,” she finally managed to say. “But we can go see him, if that’s what you really want.”

    “I’ll take her,” Holtzmann said. “I’d like to hear it for myself, too.”

    Erin looked up at her, and it was like she was seeing her for the first time. “What are you doing here? How do we know each other?” Holtzmann smiled wolfishly at her, noticing Abby’s questioning gaze; she was clearly wondering the same thing.

    “We’re kind of dating,” she said, and Erin’s mouth popped open in a silent little ‘o’.

    “We are?” Her voice sounded not a little incredulous.

    “Oh, are you now?” Abby said, and Holtzmann knew that she had something to say about that. Holtzmann just winked at Erin, waiting for the red blush that creeped up from under the brunette’s tweed collar before she responded.

    “How about that doctor’s visit, then, huh?”

* * *

 

    “These are your brain scans here,” the doctor said, slapping three black and white transparent MRI scans up to the lighted display wall. “I’m afraid they show no improvement; your temporal lobe was severely damaged in the accident. But what we believe is that the scar tissue here,” he pointed to a bright white spot lit up on the scan. “Is impairing your ability to convert short term memory into long term memory while you sleep.”

    Holtzmann stepped closer to examine the MRI’s as the doctor continued to speak.

    “Your condition is stable, but we just can’t say with certainty that it’s either temporary or permanent.”

    “So… my brain might never be normal again?” Erin asked, and Abby put her hand on Erin’s shoulder and squeezed.

    “It is entirely possible that your brain could slowly repair itself, resulting in the missing connections returning, and some memories making themselves permanent, but others not. The human body is still a mystery; it’s all just a matter of waiting it out to see.” Erin nodded absent mindedly, and the doctor took that as his cue to leave them be, closing the examination room door behind him as he went.    

    There was an awkward silence in the room, which was nearly unbearable to Holtzmann. She turned and pointed to the MRI’s that were still on display. “Look how cute your brain is, Gilbert, scar tissue and all,” she said playfully. Abby rolled her eyes but it somehow managed to make Erin giggle lightly, and Holtzmann was sure that if her cheeks weren’t already a ruddy pink from the crying, Erin would have blushed.

    “Thanks,” she said, and then paused. “I think I still don’t know your name, I’m sorry.”

    “Jillian Holtzmann,” she answered, saluting Erin with two fingers. “But you can just call me Holtzmann.”

    Erin smiled a bashful smile. “But Jillian is such a pretty name,” she said, and Holtzmann had never been too much of a fan of her first name, but if that’s what Erin wanted to call her, she’d let her, if it’d keep that smile on her face.

* * *

 

    Holtzmann was ushered into Erin’s apartment by Abby, and she followed Erin to the couch, where they both sat while Abby made a phone call in the kitchen to Erin’s roommate.

    “So,” Erin said, after studying Holtzmann for a long while. “How long have we been…dating?”

    Holtzmann grinned at Erin from where she slouched at the opposite end of the couch. “Almost a month now.”

    Erin let out a heavy breath. “How does that work exactly, then?”

    “Well, it’s mostly just me trying to get you to let me sit and have coffee with you; you wouldn’t believe the amount of ridiculous pick-up lines I’ve used on you.” Holtzmann let out a weird, short laugh. “There are only so many science related ones out there, you’ve been running me dry.”

    Erin couldn’t help but smile at that. “Do we…do we have sex?” The tips of her ears burned bright red, and Holtzmann smirked. Before she could answer, Abby, who neither of them had noticed reenter the room, interjected.

    “Yes, do you?” she asked, her voice menacing.

    Holtzmann tossed her smirk to Abby as well. “Rest assured, we do not, in fact, have sex,” she answered. Abby just crossed her arms.

    “Can I speak to you in the kitchen for a moment, Holtzmann?” She didn’t wait for an answer before she stalked back into the other room.

    “Alright, alright, hold your ponies,” Holtzmann said, hopping up off the couch.

    Abby wasted no time getting to the point. “Why are you doing this?” she asked, arms still crossed.

    Holtzmann was silent for a moment. “I like her,” she said simply.

    “What do you get out of this? Erin will forget you every single night when she falls asleep, and I’m not sure I trust someone who is okay with the woman she’s dating forgetting everything at the end of the day.” Abby’s voice was bordering on menacing again, and Holtzmann finally understood what she was getting at.

    “I’m not looking for a one night stand, if that’s what you think.”

    “Anything with Erin is a one night stand.”

    There was a heavy silence between the two of them that was broken by the sound of the apartment door slamming open. “Abby? Erin?” a voice called out.

    “In the kitchen,” Abby called out, not breaking eye contact with Holtzmann.

    A tall black woman dressed in a blue button up with a navy blue vest over the top walked into the kitchen, stopping short at the sight of Holtzmann. “Uh, who is this, Abby?”

    Holtzmann finally broke the eye contact, and turned to the woman cheerily, hand outstretched. “Holtzmann, nice to meet you. I’m dating Erin.”

    The woman hesitantly shook her hand. “I’m Patty, Erin’s roommate,” she said. “Wait, did you say you’re dating Erin…?” She trailed off questioningly and turned to Abby.

    “I was just explaining to her why dating Erin is impossible,” Abby said, and then turned her attention back to Holtzmann. “She won’t remember you. Every time you see her it will be the first meeting for her, and the fiftieth date for you. How can you expect her to develop feelings for someone she forgets about completely every night?” Abby’s voice almost sounded desperate.

    The smirk that had seemed to take up permanent residence on Holtzmann’s face seemed to slip a little. “I know that you care for her,” she said. “But that doctor said it was a possibility that her memory could come back. What you guys do for her every day just feels to me like it’s hindering any progress she could be making in regaining those missing connections he spoke about.”

    “Oh, and you think you have a better idea?” Abby said angrily.

    “Yeah, actually, I do.”

* * *

 

    Erin Gilbert considered herself a woman of routine.

    Today was the exception.

    She woke up to her alarm at precisely six fifteen a.m. to find a DVD case on her bedside table. It had a handmade paper cover that read “ _Good Morning Erin! Watch Me_ ” in handwriting she didn’t recognize.

    Erin didn’t like to deviate from her routine, but this was curious; she popped the disc into the tray of her DVD player and watched as it automatically began playing.

    “Hey there, Erin with an E.” There was a woman on her screen- she was wearing a ridiculous combination of joggers, a graphic tee, and a red robe that hung open, Hugh Heffner style, and there were large, yellow lensed goggles pushing her blonde curls out of her face. “I know you don’t know me, but I’m kind of your girlfriend-”

    The camera angle shook and then panned around to a very up close and very nearly up-the-nose shot of Abby. “It’s true, I’ll contest to it, I guess,” she said, and then the camera was back on the blonde woman.

    “This might be hard for you to believe, but we really are dating, even though you don’t remember it.” The woman went on to introduce herself as Jillian, and then to explain that Erin had been in a lab accident that had begun with a student’s experiment with nuclear engineering, and ended with substantial damage to Erin’s temporal lobe. Both Abby and Patty made cameos to help explain that she had spent a month in the hospital, and didn’t remember anything past February sixteenth, 2015. Even Erin’s doctor helped explain the damage to her brain.

    Erin choked out a half laugh, half sob, wiping her wet cheeks as Jillian reappeared on the screen with Kevin, reaching as high as she could to lean her arm on his shoulder. “Even this big ol’ robot here has been doing his part to help you out,” she said, pointing to him with the hand not attempting to rest on his shoulder.

    “Hi, Erin!” he said, waving enthusiastically into the camera. Then he paused, and furrowed his brow. “Wait, that’s not Erin, that’s a video camera.”

    Jillian shook her head. “Oh, Kev. Sweet, sweet Kev.” Then the video cut shakily to a shot of Jillian sitting on what Erin was pretty sure was her couch.

    “Your friends love you very much, Erin. We’re all here for you, whenever you’re ready to talk about it.” And then it cut to black, the video evidently over. Erin took a deep, shaky breath and stood to make her way to the living room.

* * *

 

    “How many times have I watched that video?” Erin asked, staring earnestly at Holtzmann.

    “It’s been four times now,” Holtzmann answered honestly, gazing seriously at Erin from the couch. Erin stood in the doorway to the living room timidly, her fingers twitching nervously.

    “Okay,” she said, taking quick, shallow breaths. Holtzmann stood and made her way slowly over to Erin, holding out one hand in reassurance as she did so.

    “Hey, Erin, it’s alright, deep breaths, please.” Holtzmann gently touched Erin’s wrist with two fingers and as she did it, she felt Erin take in a solid deep breath, and saw her visibly begin to calm down. She flashed a grin. “See, there you are, I’ve got you.”

    Erin smiled meekly at her. “Thank you, Jillian.”

    Holtzmann felt her heart stutter, and she winked at Erin.

* * *

 

    Holtzmann waited patiently in Erin’s living room. They were on their way to dinner- or had been, until Erin had decided that she absolutely hated what she was wearing and had to change. Finally, though, Erin reappeared, dressed in a casual floral knee length dress; something so simple should not have made Holtzmann’s heart do backflips, but it did all the same.

    “Ready?” Holtzmann asked.

    Erin grinned sheepishly. “I’m sorry to make you wait.”

    “Ain’t no thang, darlin’,” Holtzmann replied, putting on an over exaggerated southern drawl as she linked her arm with Erin’s to lead her out of the door.

    Erin giggled. “Remind me again how many dates we’ve gone on now?”

    Holtzmann thought for a moment as they waited in the hall for the elevator to reach them. “Tonight makes number… twenty-seven,” she calculated. “But it still feels like the first time,” she added, grinning at Erin as the elevator dinged and opened. Erin snorted in laughter.

    “Yeah, for me,” she said as they stepped onto the elevator.

    Holtzmann gasped in faux scandal. “Au contraire, Dr. Gilbert!” She exclaimed. The elevator began its descent to the first floor. “Every moment I spend with you feels like the very first and most important!” She had meant the words jokingly, but they spilled from her lips with a weight that the pair could feel between them. The corners of Erin’s lips twitched up in a smile that seemed to express more than just happiness, but Holtzmann couldn’t place what else.

    Erin reached out and rubbed the lapels of Holtzmann’s leather jacket- the very same jacket she had been wearing the first time she met Erin, Holtzmann recalled. “You’re just so charming, aren’t you, Jillian?” Erin murmured softly, her eyes flicking down to Holtzmann’s lips.

    Holtzmann laughed, a low, throaty chuckle, distracted by Erin’s tongue darting out to wet her lips. “I try,” she said.

    Erin’s grip tightened on Holtzmann’s lapels, and then her lips were crashing into Holtzmann’s. The elevator came to a stop on the ground floor, and dinged as the doors opened. Neither one of them noticed.

* * *

 

    “I’ve started to keep a journal.”

    “Oh?”

    “Yeah. The video helps me every morning, but some things are just easier to believe when they’re written in my own words.”

    Jillian looked up from the circuit board she had been tinkering with. “What do you write about?” she asked.

    Both she and Erin were in the lab Abby and Erin shared; Jillian had taken to spending quite a bit of time there, as it was where Erin liked to spend her time, and anywhere Erin was, Jillian liked to be.

    Erin repositioned herself in the large plush chair at her desk. “You,” she said thoughtfully. “It’s mostly about you.” Jillian grinned and set the circuit board and tool down on the work bench.

    “What about me?”

    Erin felt her face burn slightly. “Well, um,” she stuttered as Jillian walked over and positioned herself on the edge of the desk in front of where Erin sat. “About what we do together, where we go, what we talk about.” Jillian just stared at her expectantly, one eyebrow raised, so Erin continued, feeling her pulse quicken. “The way you dress, the blue of your eyes, and the way you make me feel.” She cleared her throat awkwardly.

    “And how do I make you feel, Erin with an E?”

    Erin contemplated it for a moment. “You make me happy. You make me feel like I’m flying.” She paused for only a short moment before saying, “You make me feel loved.”

    A blinding smile broke out across Jillian’s face. “You’re very observant, Dr. Gilbert,” she said, before she pulled Erin’s face close to hers, crushing her lips to Erin’s enthusiastically.

    “How many kisses is that now?” Erin asked, once their lips parted.

    Jillian paused for a moment, hands still holding Erin’s face. “Sixty four kisses.”

    Erin laughed. “I can’t believe you’re actually keeping count,” she said, and leaned forward to kiss Jillian again. She felt her smile into the kiss. “What’s so funny?” Erin asked, breaking away.

    Jillian grinned. “Sixty five,” she said, and Erin’s stomach exploded into butterflies.

    She watched in a daze as Jillian pushed off from the desk and went to press a button on the aged boom-box she and Abby still kept in the lab. The opening lines of what Erin recognized as Rhythm of the Night began to drift through the air, and Jillian turned around with a soldering tool in her hand, which Erin quickly realized was being used as a makeshift lip syncing mic. She looked on as Jillian began her ridiculous dance moves, and then eventually allowed the other woman to drag her out of the chair to dance, laughing the whole way.

    As the song began to fade to an end, Erin wrapped her arms around Jillian’s neck and pulled her in for a deep kiss.

    “Sixty six,” Jillian said.

* * *

 

    Erin’s breath was hot and heavy against Holtzmann’s lips as she pulled away with a gasp for air to reach down and unbutton Holtzmann’s shirt.

    The two had ended up back in Holtzmann’s apartment after a movie date, and Holtzmann now found herself straddled by Erin on her couch. Holtzmann’s hands had found their way up Erin’s shirt, and Erin was now fumbling with the buttons of Holtzmann’s shirt, her lips occasionally pressing to Holtzmann’s neck.

    “Erin,” Holtzmann said quietly, her voice thick with desire.

    “Hm?” Erin hummed in a low tone, looking up at Holtzmann under her lashes, and Holtzmann could feel the hot flash of want deep in her belly. She tried to push it aside- she had something she needed to say.

    “We’ve never, ah…this is the first time things have really gone…this, uh, far,” she managed to get out; meanwhile Erin’s lips had found her neck again, and she was slowly kissing her way down to Holtzmann’s collarbone. Erin’s eyes found hers again after she had bitten lightly on said collarbone, pulling a deep, breathy moan out of Holtzmann.

    “Do you want to stop?” Erin asked seriously, her eyes dark in the dim lighting, and her fingers still on Holtzmann’s now fully unbuttoned shirt.

    Holtzmann shook her head. “No, it’s just…” she trailed off.

    “I won’t remember it in the morning,” Erin finished for her, her voice flat, and Holtzmann almost flinched. “Christ, Jillian, I’m not an invalid. You’re not taking advantage of me, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

    “I just want to make sure this is something you really want,” Holtzmann said, her heart inexplicably pounding in her chest. Erin only rolled her eyes with a smirk.

    “Yes, this is something I want, Jill,” she said, and leaned down to kiss Holtzmann, sliding her warm hands inside her open shirt. “Now am I going to have to beg, or are you going to give me what I want?”

    Holtzmann’s mouth went dry at Erin’s words, but desire flashed white and hot in her again, and she wasted no time in discarding Erin’s clothes for her.

* * *

 

    The plastic vinyl covering of the chair in the doctor’s office waiting room crinkled as Erin adjusted her position in it. She sighed in impatience- they had been waiting for almost twenty minutes past her appointment time, and all she wanted was to get this MRI over with. She was here for another MRI to check on the, hopefully, progress, but more likely the stagnancy of the healing in her brain.

    Erin could hear Abby and Jillian’s murmured conversation from where they stood in front of the vending machine in the corner.

    “So what are you doing for work right now, Holtz?” Abby asked as she fed the machine her dollar.

    “Nothing currently, but I’m blowing through my savings pretty steadily on the rent on my apartment, so I’m trying to find something,” Jillian said as Abby’s candy bar fell into the collection area. “Do you think Erin would want the Doritos, or the Oreos?” she asked, a snack size can of Pringles already tucked under her arm.

    “Oreos,” Abby answered, and Erin felt a warm glow at her friend knowing her so well. “Have you had any job offers?” She continued.

    Jillian fed in her dollar and punched in the number for the Oreos before she answered. “My old mentor, Rebecca Gorin, offered me a position in her research lab for a new project she’s working on.” The metal curl slowly worked the Oreos to the front to fall.

    “Hey! That’s awesome, Holtz. Are you going to accept?” Abby leaned against the vending machine, and Erin could see her lit up expression. Jillian only shrugged as she bent down to retrieve the pack of Oreos.

    “I dunno,” she said. “It’s in Philadelphia and that’s just…so far away. I just can’t leave Erin right now, not when it seems like we’re making real progress.”

    Erin felt her spirits fall as soon as she heard. Jillian was going to give up a position at a prestigious research lab for her? She couldn’t let her do that. She wouldn’t let her do that. Absolutely not.

    She must have missed the end of Abby and Jillian’s conversation as they made their way back to the seats with Erin. “Got you Oreos, babe!” Jillian said with a bright smile. Erin accepted them with a word of thanks and a return smile.

    A nurse entered the room from one of the doors that led to the back.

    “Erin Gilbert? Doctor Heiss is ready for you.”

* * *

 

    “Jill?”

    Holtzmann looked up from her work at the sound of Erin’s voice. “Hm?”

    Erin stood in front of Holtzmann at her workbench in Abby and Erin’s lab, where Holtzmann had pretty much set up shop. She had a thick black leather bound journal in her hands, and she looked nervous. “Can we…talk?”

    Holtzmann immediately set down her screwdriver, attention and concern piqued. She stood, and came around the table to be in front of the other woman. “What’s wrong, Erin?”

    Erin took a deep breath. “I heard what you said to Abby at the doctor’s office,” she said in a shaky voice. Holtzmann had a moment of confusion.

    “About what?”

    “About the job offer with your mentor- what’s her name? I didn’t write it down in my journal.” Erin’s hands twitched nervously around the book she held. Holtzmann’s confusion turned to apprehension.

    “Rebecca Gorin,” she said quietly.

    Erin laughed anxiously. “Yes, her.”

    Holtzmann stepped closer to Erin, close enough to reach out and run a hand down her arm reassuringly. “What’s this about, Erin?” The other woman was very studiously avoiding Holtzmann’s eyes.

    “I can’t let you turn down that offer, Jillian. Not for me. You have to take it.”

    Holtzmann took a shocked step back. “What?”

    Erin finally looked up to meet her gaze. “I won’t let you do this. I can’t let you throw away your life for me.” Her voice broke halfway through, and Holtzmann could finally feel the hurt through the numb shock.

    “Throw away my life? Are you serious, Erin?” Holtzmann couldn’t help the anger that began seeping into her steadily rising voice.

    “Yes, Jillian, I am serious! Being with me is a dead end!” Erin responded in kind, her voice rising in pitch to match Holtzmann’s. “I still haven’t shown any signs of getting any memory back! I can’t give you a life, I can’t give you the life you deserve, the marriage, the children, the future you deserve.” Erin’s eyes began to well up with tears. “I’ll wake up every day next to someone I don’t know, to children I have no recollection of having or raising. I can’t do that to you, Jill, I just can’t.”

    Holtzmann is lost for words for a moment, the thought that Erin would even want to marry her or have children with her stalling her brain for a split second. Then she catches up. “I don’t need those things, Erin. All I need is you, that’s it.” She stepped closer to Erin, reaching out for her, only to have Erin take a step back, away from her outstretched hand.

    “I’m not enough,” Erin whispered, and Holtzmann felt her heart drop.

    “You are enough, Erin, you are enough for me,” she said, and surged forward to kiss Erin, pulling her close by the lapels of her jacket. She could feel the wet tear tracks on Erin’s cheeks, and when she pulled away from the kiss, she reached up to wipe them away with her thumb. “I love you, Erin,” Holtzmann whispered, and Erin let out an ugly sob, and threw her arms around Holtzmann’s neck, burying her face in the blonde’s shoulder.

    “Please, Jill,” Erin mumbled into her neck. Holtzmann pulled back.

    “Please, what?” she said, confusion once again finding its way back into the jumbled mess of painful emotions she was currently feeling.

    Erin sniffled. “Please don’t make this any harder for me. Please.”

    Holtzmann had never had her heart broken before, but she was pretty sure that this was what it felt like. “Erin…”

    Erin just shook her head. “I’ve already made up my mind. I’ve written it down in my journal and I’ve told Abby, so I won’t forget it. I’m not going to let you turn down this job.”

    Holtzmann was silent for a long while as she attempted to process what was happening. Erin just stood in front of her, silent tears falling. “So,” she finally said. “Is this it, then?”

    “I’m sorry.”

    Holtzmann scoffed.

    “Please don’t hate me, Jillian.” And even in her pain, Holtzmann couldn’t find it in her to hate Erin.

    “I could never, Erin,” and she just smiled a sad, crooked smile.

    “I know this is a lot to ask, but could you do one last thing, for me? Well, with me?” Erin asked, holding up the black journal in her hands.

* * *

 

    Holtzmann spent that evening helping Erin type up her journal, removing all the parts of it that included her.

    “’ _Jillian has the most intoxicating smile,_ ’” she read aloud, teasing Erin as they went through the journal that was peppered with small drawings, pictures and ticket stubs, as well as the handwritten entries. “’ _Something about it just makes me feel fluttery, like that moment when you fly off the swing before you hit the ground and you just feel…weightless_ ,’” Holtzmann sobered up a bit as she finished that bit out. She looked up at Erin from her place beside her at the desk. They shared a moment of intense eye contact before Erin cleared her throat awkwardly.

    “We should probably get back to this, we have to finish it tonight,” she said.

    “Right,” Holtzmann said, and nodded.

    ‘ _Every time she kisses me, I feel like my heart just stops- it can’t be medically safe._ ’ Holtzmann read to herself, verbally editing it out as she read aloud what Erin should be typing up. There honestly wasn’t a whole lot in Erin’s journal that wasn’t about Holtzmann, but Erin was insistent that this get done.

    ‘ _We made love tonight. It was…spectacular. Amazing. It was my first time with another woman, but Jillian was so wonderful and loving. I’ve never felt so cared for._ ’ Holtzmann’s heart ached as she continued to read, and edit herself out of Erin’s life.

    “Are you sure, Erin?” she asked. They had finally finished typing up the revised version, and were about to burn Erin’s original journal in a small metal garbage can.  She was still secretly hoping Erin would change her mind.

    Erin let out a breath she seemed to have been holding. “I’m sure.” And with that, she dropped the journal into the flames.

* * *

 

    “Dr. Holtzmann! Come and look at this!” An eager intern called to Holtzmann from across the lab and she looked up from the work she was doing to push her safety goggles back.

    “What is it?” she called back, her tired voice betraying the exhaustion she felt.  

    It had been a little over two months since she had moved to Philadelphia to accept Dr. Gorin’s job offer. A little over two months since she had seen or spoken to Erin. She was miserable, and in her misery, she threw herself into her work, which included not only working on her own technology, but overseeing and instructing six bright faced interns.

    She pushed herself up from her work bench and made her way over to the intern- what was his name? Jared? Josh? She wasn’t sure. It didn’t matter. She looked down at the contraption he had somehow put together and sighed. “That’s…great.” She paused. “Wait. What does it do?” He immediately launched into a long winded explanation that Holtzmann very quickly lost interest in.

    She was given a reprieve by Dr. Gorin, who chose that (blessedly) opportune moment to walk into the lab. Jared (Jonathon?) trailed off as the admittedly intimidating woman made her way over to Holtzmann and him. Dr. Gorin stared down at what he had made for a short moment before transferring her steady gaze to Holtzmann. “Can I have a word in my office, Jillian?” Holtzmann flinched at the use of her first name, something that she could tell did not escape Dr. Gorin’s notice.

    “Sure thing, let me just clean up a bit in here,” Holtzmann said, and grinned heartily at her mentor.    

    When Holtzmann knocked on Dr. Gorin’s office door ten minutes later, she entered to find her sitting at her desk.

    Dr. Gorin wasted no time in getting to the point. “You’ve been distracted, Jillian.”

    Holtzmann opened her mouth to respond but her mentor cut her off. “You’ve been unfocused and distracted, and frankly, it’s unacceptable. You know better than anyone that even the slightest break in concentration in a lab like this can present catastrophic results.” Holtzmann scowled at the bitter reminder of her mistake that cost her CERN, and Dr. Gorin plowed on. “I offered you this job under the impression that you would be giving it your undivided attention, and I have yet to see proof of that. I expect you to deliver, or you will not have a place in this research project.”

    Holtzmann could only nod, her hurt at Dr. Gorin’s words translating into numb acceptance.

    “I know that you have promise, Jillian,” Dr. Gorin said, her voice a single notch softer than before. “Now I need you to prove me right.”

    Holtzmann took that as the dismissal it was, and once in the hallway, she leaned against the wall with a heavy sigh. She hadn’t felt this out of it since her lab accident, and even that funk hadn’t lasted this long.

    Her phone vibrated with a text message in her pocket, and she took it out to read it. It was from Abby, someone Holtzmann hadn’t heard from since she left New York nearly two months ago.

    ‘ _She won’t stop listening to DeBarge,_ ’ it read, very simply.

    Holtzmann’s heart nearly stopped. What was that supposed to mean? What was Abby trying to tell her? Did Erin remember?

    Holtzmann didn’t allow herself to entertain that last thought for very long; if Erin was remembering, Abby would have come right out and told her. There was no way Erin remembered that impromptu dance session in her lab- it had to be coincidence. DeBarge was popular enough, right? Her phone vibrated again, and she looked down to another text from Abby.

    _‘Holtzmann, I swear to god, if I have to listen to Rhythm of the Night one more damn time, I’m gonna lose my mind.’_

    Holtzmann nearly dropped her phone and let out a heavy breath. Her hands were shaking as she typed out a response, which was odd- she’d always had the steadiest of hands.

    **‘What does that mean?’** She sent the message and didn’t breathe again until she got a response.

    ‘ _You tell me.’_

* * *

 

    After an hour and thirty minute train ride, Holtzmann found herself in front of Erin’s door, fist poised to knock. It took her a solid five minutes to muster up the courage to actually knock, and the minute that passed between her knock and the door opening was the most excruciating minute of her life. Then the door swung open and there she stood.

    Erin stared at Holtzmann in silence, and it took Holtzmann a long moment to find her tongue to form words.

    “Can I ask you a question?” she began, and Erin just cocked her head in confusion. “Do you have any idea who I am?” Holtzmann hoped that Erin couldn’t hear the desperation behind her words.

    “I… I think so,” Erin said, the phrase sounding like a question. Holtzmann stepped closer, nearly inside the apartment, her breathing ragged.

    “Erin…” was all she could manage to choke out.

    There was an almost painful silence as Holtzmann stared pleadingly at Erin, searching for the recognition she so desperately wished for. When Erin finally spoke, it was a strained whisper.

    “Jillian?” she asked.

    Holtzmann let out a choked sob through her watery smile, and yanked Erin forward by the lapels of her ridiculously patterned collared shirt into a heated kiss.

    “I remember,” Erin murmured in between kisses. Holtzmann pulled back with a breathless laugh and held Erin’s cheeks.

    “You remember,” she agreed.

    “How did I ever forget?” Erin asked, and a few tears slipped down her cheeks.

    Holtzmann used her thumbs to wipe away Erin’s tears. “You remember,” she repeated, whispering it almost reverently.

    “I don’t remember a lot,” Erin said, a hint of uncertainty in her voice.

    Holtzmann pulled her close again, kissing her lightly. “Devil’s in the details, love. Don’t worry about the rest for now.”

    Erin rested her forehead against Holtzmann’s and her hands on her shoulders. “I remember you,” she whispered, eyes searching Holtzmann’s. “I remember that I love you.” Holtzmann let out another breathy laugh, resting her hands on Erin’s waist, fingers making a fist in the soft fabric of Erin’s button up.

    “I knew that I was memorable,” she said with a beaming smile. Erin just rolled her eyes and leaned forward to kiss her again.

XXX

  


   

   

   

**Author's Note:**

> So, I took a few artistic liberties, and this story just basically follows the loosest of 50 First Dates plot line. Please forgive any formatting errors, I'm posting from my phone, and ao3 is utterly fucking impossible


End file.
